When you're in a puddle...

The clock is quickly ticking time away, making June 4th race at me with lightening speed. It won't be long now before I'm on an airplane and headed somewhere new. There have been several times over the past few weeks where I've felt as if I can hear each individual second pounding in my head. It's not the most pleasant feeling in the world. It's very unsettling, in fact.

I'm not sure why, but I feel especially unsure of spending this summer abroad. I don't really feel anxious about traveling - I've gone to farther-away places in previous adventures. I'm not worried about the food, or living conditions, or safety, or any of the other various concerns international travelers tend to collect. I'm not anticipating extreme homesickness, or any unbearable situations while I'm gone. I'm not even questioning my decision to go. I know this plan is in THE plan. I guess, when it all boils down, I just don't feel ready.

This nagging chatter of unpreparedness in the corner of my heart has nothing to do with packing or logistics. (Well, I suppose the fact that I don't actually have luggage to pack does have something to do with it.) I'm not worried about the details at this point. What gets done will get done, and what doesn't will have to wait until August.....I think.

And that's just it. I'm not super concerned with the summer itself. It's just that I have no idea where this summer will lead. For the first time in my life, I'm taking a trip that has the serious potential of turning into something more than just a summer. This is the first time in my life where I didn't have anything to finish back in the States - i.e. school - and the first time there has been a potential opening in the place I am serving. That's a lot to think about.

As I've pondered this possibility it's been very overwhelming, to say the least. Without taking all of these thoughts to the proper Source, I allowed them to swarm and swell into a pool around my head. And at times, I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of "what if's". The more I thought, the deeper I went. I panicked. And I cried. A lot.

But, luckily, God is willing to step in at the times we most need Him...even if we didn't ask Him to. This time, He stepped in through a good friend from college. I dumped a lot of this on her one night over the phone, and she listened. That's all. She just listened. Then, wisely, she asked if I had prayed about it. It was then I remembered the One who had orchestrated this trip in the first place. The One for whom I chose to go. The One worthy of leaving behind a summer of camping, barbeques, weddings, and graduation parties. The One with the plan....all worked out. As I remembered Him, I looked up - just for a second - and that huge swirling pool suddenly became what it really was. A puddle. Just a puddle of fear.

If God laughs at any of His people, I'm convinced that this called for a good chuckle. "Silly girl. Get your face out of that puddle." Wow. Don't I feel dumb.

The more I think about it, I can look back and see a number of "puddles" in my past. Puddles where I've almost drowned because I was unwilling to pull my face from the mud and get a new perspective. It's embarrassing. Flailing around in puddles is embarrassing...and messy.

You know, we weren't meant to live that way. You and I weren't created to sit in the mud and worry about the details. We were created to have our faces turned heavenward. It's when we don't fix our gaze on the things above that the small things begin to appear life threatening. And, they can become life threatening if we are not careful. A person can drown in a puddle - if they don't pull their head out. I'm thankful that God was gracious enough to pull my head out for me, when I wasn't smart enough to do it for myself. I'm still a little axious about this summer - but at least I'm no longer flailing.

So, if you find yourself overwhelmed with the concerns of the day (or the future), or if you feel as though you may drown in the "what if's" (or remember when's) of life, remember to look up. You may find that you are not being swallowed by the ocean. You may simply be sitting in a puddle. Don't worry. You're not drowning. You're just a little wet.